Louisa ~ 365 days

“On 2 consecutive evenings I got the underground from work to central. The first, went by fine. The second, I met with a friend for a drink beforehand. “I missed your birthday Lou, get whatever you want. “

Alcohol slows brain function. Increases relaxation. Increases confidence. Reduces anxiety. idk about you but I wouldn’t describe any of those feelings as depressant. And going down the Battersea escalator in an altered state, I felt the opposite. anxiety increase. More on edge. Hyper aware that I was not hyper aware. Less relaxed. Less confident. Less me.

By this point I’d stopped drinking at networking events, family functions and during the week. I hated going to the pub but still romanticised drinking rose with a fancy meal. My escalator epiphany confirmed what I already knew: alcohol was non compounding. It took away more than it gave. Like borrowing energy from my future self that I’d have to pay back with interest on brain power and extension periods on joint aches.

The harshest repayment term? My sense of self. Anything borrowed was lost come sunrise. The times I spent drunk were not filled with regret, they were always fun and jovial and silly. The debt only hit my account after that.

It wasn’t easy to build my savings back. But Suddenly the rosé didn’t seem as romantic. The birthday drink didn’t feel like a gift. The more I abstained, the less I lost by sunrise. And at some point The debts flipped. The interest started pouring back in.

I compounded. I didn’t need to borrow from the next day to feel myself at night. And I didnt want the night to escape the me that existed during the day. Turns out I like the day parts. More relaxed. More confident. More, me. And she’s who I want to be at every sunrise.”